I’ve incorporated a few polls for you to actively participate in this series
Would you ever put your life at risk for a spot in a checkout line? To put it another way, would you risk leaving your loved ones behind over something that might delay you by just two or three minutes? If your answer is yes, then perhaps this post isn’t for you. You've already chosen your mission.
For everyone else, welcome to the first installment of my mini-series on Violence Education. Four episodes over the next month. In this series, we’ll explore how to define your personal mission, develop self-control, and better understand and anticipate violence. You'll gain the tools to take action, focusing on the core principles of self-defense and practical tips to enhance both your mental and physical skills. I’ll also guide you through analyzing crime data to help you make more informed decisions. We’ll dive into the psychology of violence and the power dynamics at play, with a special focus on self-defense for women and children. However, I won’t be covering specific techniques—for reasons that will become clear as we move forward.
As a self-defense instructor in NYC, my aim is to shed light on an often-overlooked subject—one that, when truly understood, can be life-saving. Let me be clear: I don’t claim to be an expert, and I tend to steer clear of so-called experts in this field. My goal is to educate, to equip you with practical tools and principles to navigate chaotic situations with a little more control. Violence is deeply personal and unpredictable—what works for one person may not work for another. This series is an introduction to a topic many choose to ignore, or don’t know where to start from, while others remain completely unaware of it.
Subscribe now for free, share it with your friends, and take your first step towards understanding violence and protecting yourself and your loved ones.
Confrontation: keep that door shut
How many times have you found yourself in a confrontation? If you live in NYC like I do, chances are it's happened more times than you care to count. But here's the thing: confrontation is the door to the unknown. Keep it shut for as long as you can, and you'll walk away with your family, your kids, or your partner—adding another ‘funny’ story to your day. But if the door is forced open, or you have no choice but to step through, you must be ready to act. And acting doesn’t always mean fighting. It’s about making the next move in a range of possibilities—whether that’s escaping, running, or, if necessary, defending your life.
Before I get into the complexity of violence, have you ever wondered what a fight is? Here is my definition: a fight is a high-frequency decision-making process. It involves a rapid sequence of choices, each one influencing the next. For example, if your first decision is to push back someone approaching you aggressively, the next could be to run in the opposite direction, or perhaps to follow the push with a strike. The key difference here is that these decisions are made in fractions of a second, and reaction speed is something you must learn and train.
All it takes is the blink of an eye to miss a punch
Consider a punch: a strong adult can throw a punch at 25-30 mph. That may sound slow until it’s aimed at your face. At 25 mph, a punch travels about 10 meters per second (rounded down). Now think about this: the average human blink lasts about 1/10th of a second. In that time, you would miss about 1 meter of the punch’s movement—the very distance between the hand and your nose.
In the meantime…
It was only later in life that I truly reflected on the nature of confrontation. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp what had happened—I just felt lucky. Looking back now, I realize how much of that moment hinged on chance, and how differently things could have played out.
It was a sunny spring day in 2004 in Italy, and I was leaving school with my Vespa. The weekend was just beginning, and everyone was honking their horns in celebration as classes ended. That year, the school had designated the basement as our parking area, with the exit leading up a narrow hill that allowed only a few bikes to pass at a time. As I joined the line, my honking irritated someone behind me—a guy who shot me a threatening look.
Growing up in places like that, you quickly learn that survival often means projecting strength. Instinctively, the thought that crossed my mind was something like, “Don’t you dare move, or I’ll smash your face.” It’s a defensive reflex, almost primal, much like the survival instincts of a hunter-gatherer society, where dominance had to be asserted to avoid becoming prey. With one crucial difference: by the 2000s, we were—or at least should be—far removed from the mentality of a hunter-gatherer society.
In this case, the guy backed down—perhaps sensing the subtle power dynamic, as I was a few years older and 6.2 feet tall. But in those environments, there's something deeply ingrained: the notion of revenge. Power plays aren’t forgotten, and nothing is ever truly over until it’s been acted upon, whatever “acting” may mean.
That afternoon, I was at home with a friend, finishing up some homework before the weekend when I heard the buzzer. “Hey, I’m one of Gerardo’s friends. Can he come down for a second?” Something about it didn’t sit right with me. Trusting my gut, I stepped out onto the balcony to get a look outside. What I saw filled me with both fear and rage—this guy had shown up at my house with a group of at least 20 friends. I didn’t count them, but there were a lot. “Can you come down? I need to talk to you,” he said. There was no way I was stepping outside.
I kept my composure, but inside, adrenaline was surging. “Listen, I’m not coming down. But you shouldn’t have done this. You don’t come to my house with a crowd of people like this.” When he realized I wasn’t budging, he eventually left.
It took me a while before I felt safe enough to leave the house. But in a small town, safety is a relative concept. This wasn’t just some random encounter with a stranger I'd never see again. It was personal, and I knew I had to act. The hunt began that night. With two “friends,” I set out to put an end to this. Given that nothing physical happened, we were going in for a warning to settle things. I was not looking for apologies, words would be useless in this context. I just wanted to feel safe walking around and riding my Vespa through town again.
I used to remember this event with a sense of pride, but looking back, there’s nothing to be proud of. That guy was actually “kind” enough to buzz my door—a warning of sorts. He could have just waited for me to leave my apartment, where I could’ve been attacked by all those kids. That confrontation was a gateway to something far more dangerous. When a group is involved, the risk of things potentially escalating into lethal violence is all too real.
Fast forward 20 years, and now I live in NYC, where my academic background has led me beyond just teaching self-defense—I’ve delved into studying violence and its psychology. It’s been a fascinating journey, so bear with me.
Why do people fight?
But why do people fight? Any idea? It’s because of feelings and we all have them. Violence is embedded in our genes. Natural selection hardwired emotions that helped our ancestors survive, but today, they often work against us.
Take road rage, for example—it’s just a desire to punish someone you believe treated you unfairly. Most of the time, this person is a complete stranger, someone you'll likely never encounter again in your lifetime. It’s a deeply human reaction, and that sense of righteous anger can even feel satisfying. But here’s the thing: most of these feelings evolved to help us fight back against exploitation, to survive in a harsher world, a world with no rights.
Among these emotions, ego is the one that trips you up in the moment. Ego—an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others—is often at its peak when your identity feels threatened. And that’s what ego is: a false identity you’ve built for yourself, shaped by your beliefs.
If you can control your ego, you can gain self-control.
In the next episode, I’ll provide you with the tools to detach from your ego and cultivate the self-discipline that can help you return home to your loved ones safely.
I’ll leave you with this question: “What’s your mission when you step out of your home each morning?”
If this resonates with you, and you're ready to dig deeper into the psychology of violence, self-defense, and how to cultivate the kind of self-control that could save your life, then I invite you to join me on this journey. This series isn’t just about theory—it’s about practical, real-world strategies to help you navigate life’s unpredictable situations with clarity and confidence. Subscribe now to stay updated on future posts, and take the first step toward understanding the power of self-discipline, and ultimately, keeping yourself and your loved ones safe.
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